Sunday, January 15, 2017

Jhon Freddy (short story)

"Pero, porqqqqqquuuuuuueeeee, Daniela Maya?"
But why, Danielle Maya?
P"orque mi avion va a salir a las cinco este manaña, Jhon."
Because my plane is going to leave at five this morning.

Walking the 100 cobble-stoned steps from Jhon Fredy’s house to Guadalupe’s, I was grateful for this 90 degree hill for the first time in the 5 weeks I had spent in Lumbisi. The few steps ahead I was of Jhon Fredy provided me the cover that I needed. While he dragged his feet in a way that inspired true awe at the sight of a grown ass man acting like a child, I was doing all that I could not to get-me-the-hell-out-of-Ecuador cartwheel-sprint up this hill. Jhon Fredy, whose grief at my leaving had encouraged him to deepen his belligerence with whatever alcohol he had been able to scrounge up in this town, had a face full of the liquids of an overwhelmed man. While the mucus from his nose trickled down from its home and onto the upper part of his lip, running easily enough over the too-smooth piece of skin where less metro-sexual men have mustaches, the outer most parts of my nostrils were inching closer and closer to my ears, stretched by the full on grin I wore right beneath them. I owed as many thanks to Lumbisi, Ecuador’s starless sky for the black of this night, as I did to The Andes mountains for this hill – both allowed me the cover I needed to dilute the uncomplicated sweetness I felt with a feigned bitterness that I did not.
"Daniela Maya, esperame!"
            Danielle Maya, wait for me!
          "Jhon Fredy yo no puedo permitar mi avión salir sin yo!"
          Jhon Fredy I cannot let my plane leave without me!
         "Y tu avión es mas te importa de yo?"
        And your plane is more important to you than I am?

This, I had to turn around for. I had to look into the face of this 27-year-old-skinny-jean-wearing-I-really-do-love-my-daughter-pero-its-complicated (is it, Jhon Fredy?) speaker-of-no-English-but-lover-of-outdated-hip-hop-music, and see the look that was on his face when he asked me this incredible question. Maybe I would find a grief there so great, that I would, at least in this moment at 2:00 am in the middle of this hilly part of the street separating a field of the most beautiful cows that I had ever seen, from the dirt pathway bordered on both sides by minty eucalyptus and trees that reach all the way to heaven, and that had been for us, a place of release for all that is allowed to build when people that want so desperately to be alone, occupy a space shared with roomates and rommates’ cousins -- maybe in this moment, if I looked him in the face, I would find something that excused the absurdity of what he had just asked me.

All I found was a snotty nosed, and belligerently drunk, Colombian."

"Jhon Fredy, si mi avión es mas importante de tu, claro! Yo no tengo dinero para un otra avión. Y tu? Tu tienes mas dinero para yo comprar un billete de avión Nuevo?"
Jhon Fredy, yes my plane is more important than you, of course! I don’t have money for another flight. And you? Do you have more money for me to buy another plane ticket?

I almost felt bad asking this question, even rhetorically. Of course he didn’t have any money to buy me another plane ticket. Each time I lay in Jhon Fredy’s bed, I wondered if he noticed that nails from my three fingers from pinky to middle were shredding a hole where they pinned my sleeve to my palm, or how I fidgeted until the bottom of my leggings were all but tucked into my socks. I even adjusted my braids to cover my cheeks so that my pores were never exposed to all of the dead and germy things that the pee-brown stains told me this mattress with no sheet to redeem it, had absorbed. Laying in this bed with Jhon Fredy, listening to him talk about the perfect nose that our child together would have, I mostly just tried to keep the motherfucker-are-you-crazy? out of my voice when I said “I don’t want that” --in English because, in reality, anything I said in response to him bringing up us having a child together could not be made less hurtful for him with any attempt to keep my voice neutral. But there were times when I did wonder “What If.” What If I wasn’t only half telling the truth, half trying to calm him down, when I promised to come back to Lumbisi after I graduated? What If Jhon Fredy was someone that I could fall in love with? What If I got my own place in the apartment above Guadalupe’s? I tried to imagine the two of us spending nights and lazy mid-afternoons that felt like mornings long after the sun had occupied its highest point in the sky there. I wondered if Jhon Fredy could be more to me than the beautiful Colombian man with skin that was somehow as brown as it was red, and the jet-blackest, softest hair I’ve ever felt, and a gap between his two front teeth so endearing that it created a deep love within people without their consent. I wondered if Jhon Fredy could be more than the beautiful Afro-Colombian man that I was sleeping with while I studied abroad, a decision based partially on the fact that he was the only person in all of Lumbisi from which I didn’t have to hide the love of beer and wine that I possessed, but that threatened to possess me, as bottles of wine and extra-large beer hidden in my drawer warned that one day alcohol would represent more for me than some recreational assistance in getting through the dog days of study abroad in a place where you have to wear a bra every goddamn day, and do so with a group of girls that are politically correct to the point of near torment. I knew that alcohol made my life easier in Lumbisi, but I also knew that I would always be able to point to the thing in my life that made it okay for me to hide empty bottles of dyed glass and wooden cork in the bottom drawer of my night stand, and I didn’t have to hide that from Jhon Fredy. I wondered if he could be to me what I had been to him.

Jhon Fredy, es 2:15 en la manaña! Yo tengo que preparar mis cosas!
John Fredy, its 2:15 in the morning, I have to get my stuff!

I wondered, but the Earth in Lumbisi was threatening to split beneath my feet and swallow me. I could see the crack starting at the top of the hill, and creeping down to where me and Jhon Freddy stood in the street, pulling up and spitting out cobble stone while it came at us, like panty hose that go bad in one spot and then run their assault down your leg. I yanked Jhon Fredy by his hand and bent knees sent us into the air, above the crack in the cobble stone and onto the dirt path where the trees that we leaned up against and cried out to while we found release, lived. Moving faster, my power walk is doing all that it can not to become a jog, and the trees are different now. They lean in towards us where the straight edge of their spine was non-threatening before. Their slouch creates a dome over our dirt path; before, our place of skin slapping skin and limbs tangled up was roofed by the sprinkle of stars that God allowed to hover over this town in the mountains. Now, it’s the trees that enclose us here. Lumbisi is caving in on me.  Through the dirt path, and up the other side of the hill, I make it back to Guadalupe’s. I give Jhon Freddy the rushed kiss goodbye not of lovelessness, but of a heart weighted by the iron-clad fear of being trapped in a place that I have not decided to love. I wondered, what if he knew the truth? Would he have choreographed our last moments together differently, had he known that I had lied to him? That this was the last moment that we would have?

Machismo Across Color Lines and the Black Power Movement’s Influence on Brown Power (essay)


Issues of hyper masculinity and misogyny plagued Black and Brown activist groups of the 1960s and 70s, among which were The Brown Berets, Young Lords Party and the Black Panther Party, and alienated their female members. While the women of the Young Lords Party were able to compensate for harmful views with intra-group education, the men of the Brown Berets were not as impressionable; women group members were forced to break off and establish their own activist space, the Chicana Brown Berets. Interestingly, the perception of male gender performance through a hyper-masculine lens cuts across color lines, as Black Panther Party (BPP) leaders like Huey Newton and Bobby Seale held views directly reflecting those that Brown feminists spoke out against. Still, Intra-group conflict was not the only dragon for Black and Brown activist groups of the 60s and 70s to slay. State sanctioned violence and deterrent operations against these social movements also worked to see to their demise.

While the concept of Black and Brown love is one of unity and allyship, there are far less romantic notions that connect the two communities. It feels impossible to research Huey Newton and Bobby Seale and not think of the Chicano activists. To hear the founders of the Black Panther Party speak on the emasculation of the Black man, at the hands of the White man –and with the approval of the Black woman—is to experience the confounding intersection of gender and race, of hyper masculinity and black liberation, of machismo and revolución. But a people cannot be liberated while embracing an identity that was imposed on them with colonial force and without consent –a colonized identity cannot advocate for its own liberation. Chingón Politics Die Hard writes:

“We can begin by understanding the narrow nationalism that usually characterizes chingón politics….Aztlan symbolizes the righteous rejection of racist oppression and the colonized mentality that facilitates that oppression. It echoes a very genuine longing not to feel like a stranger in one’s own land, not to feel like some kind of misfit, to taste self-respect…the concept of Aztlan can also be used oppressively…the concept of Aztlan has always been set forth in super-machismo imagery. The Chicano activist today…might imagine like to imagine himself garbed in an Aztec warrior outfit, looking ferociously brave next to some red lipped princess with naked breasts…the concept of Aztlan encourages the association of machismo with domination,” 104.

Although existing in an American context and not that of an Aztec myth, the founding rhetoric of the BPP,



 used by Seale and Newton, reflects an identical attempt to reclaim a stolen identity that, upon its return, will grant its rightful owners their deserved sense of dignity and manhood. Samuel Joseph writes in his Whose Revolution is This? Gender’s divisive role in the Black Panther Party, “From its inception, appropriate definitions of gender were a primary concern for the Black Panther Party. Founders set up to challenge existing notions that black men had been stripped of their manhood…. there was a relatively wide held notion within the black community that black men had been metaphorically castrated by racism…” p. 404, 405. The battle waged by these men of color to reassert the identities that were placed upon them as a means of dehumanization, lies at the heart of the matter when analyzing the women of these organizations’ discomfort and dissatisfaction with the intra-group politics. The fantasy of resuming these identities of animalistic savagery, dominance, and simple mindedness is as perplexing as it is disappointing, but it also tells the story of male privilege, and how privileged groups pick and choose which parts of an oppressive system to attack, and which have proven exclusively beneficiary. Female Black Panther Kathleen Cleaver saw through this dance between roles of victim and victimizer.

“…the oppression of [black] women by the black man is something that is perpetuated and encouraged by the system of colonialism run by the white man. …As Black men move to assert themselves, as black men move to regain a sense of manhood, to regain a sense of humanity, and to become strong enough and powerful enough and manly enough to fight against the oppressor, they many times take out their resentment of their position against their own black women,” Gender’s Divisive Role in the Black Panther Party, p. 407.

Beyond the harm afflicted on Black and Brown women at the hands of Black and Brown men, machismo has a broader counter-productive effect on activism. Cited historians in Gender’s Divisive Role in the Black Panther Party are joined by Alma Garcia in Chicana Feminist Discourse as both parties present the argument that the celebration and circulation of these images of hyper masculinity do more harm to the public perception of these communities, than any good they can do. These images actually present a step back in time for Black and Brown men. Not only are machismo politics divisive, but they are working to reassert the public perception of Black and Brown men as inherently criminal, deviant, and dangerous. It seems that subscribers to a machismo that has been mythically reclaimed and is now a tool of strategy, organization, or means of attaining liberation, have failed to acknowledge the social leg of white supremacy. A people have to be made sub-human in the mind of the larger society in order to justify their oppression; enforcing dehumanizing stereotypes is dangerous, and no small thing for Black and Brown men. Garcia writes,

“…many Chicana feminists disagreed with the cultural nationalist view that machismo could be a positive value within a Chicano cultural value system. They challenged the view that machismo was a source of masculine pride for Chicanos and therefore a defense mechanism against the dominant society’s racism. Although Chicana feminists recognized that Chicanos faced discrimination from the dominant society, they adamantly disagreed with those who believed machismo was a form of cultural resistance to such discrimination,” p. 223

            The problematic conflict between Black and Brown women and men in these spaces, as men romanticize an identity which has proven toxic to their wives, mothers, sisters, and daughters, is not confined to any singular or simple philosophy. Instead, it reflects the complex, nuanced, and rather sticky nature of women of color’s existence at the intersection of multiple marginalized identities. Their attempt to navigate all of these identities in male-dominated activist spaces creates narratives that, like machismo, cut across color lines. While Cleaver’s perspective on intra-race gender interaction illuminates a sinister reality in which abuse of the Black woman at the hands of the Black man is normalized in the transfer of oppression, Chicana feminists also speak on the problematic of acceptable femininity being associated with a high tolerance for the pain of both White supremacy and machismo. “Chicana feminists criticized the notion of the “ideal Chicana” that glorified Chicanas as strong, long-suffering women who had endured and kept Chicano culture and family intact,” Chicana Feminist Discourse, p. 222. The concept of the Strong Black Woman, durable enough to sustain abuse outside and inside the home is no more Black-woman specific than machismo is solely found in Latinx communities. Sadly, the fight rages on. Where woman Black Panther Kathleen Cleaver spoke out on intra-racial abuse at the hands of Black male machismo, BPP founding father Eldridge Cleaver centered Black men as the victims in a fantastical legacy of belittlement at the hands of Black women. Gender’s Divisive Role in the Black Panther Party writes that Cleaver went as far as to assert that Black women were actually the ones responsible for the transfer of oppression from the White man onto them. “He asserted that for 400 years black men were unable to look black women squarely in the eyes. The reason for this, he wrote, was because, ‘I [the black man] knew I would find reflected there a merciless indictment of my impotence and a compelling challenge to redeem my conquered manhood,’” p. 409. This demonization of Black women appears to work more to support Kathleen Cleaver’s narrative than Eldridge’s. Still, the pseudo-reality in which Black women are agents of white supremacy has been allowed to thrive, as Black women activist of the 60s and 70s, unlike the Chicanas Brown Berets, were laregly against creating their own feminist and Black activist spaces. Alma Garcia quotes Bell Hooks in Chicana Feminist Discourse in her writings that while Black feminists rallied against issues of racism and sexism, they did not organize independently of Black men (page 221). This reality is difficult to conceptualize without a substantial understanding of intersectionality. While many Black women were openly critical of the machismo in Black activist spaces, their failure to organize as the Chicana Brown Berets did, gives way to the larger narrative of multiple axes of oppression. For these women to stand beside the Black men that they labeled oppressive, speaks volumes about the process of compromise and negotiation through which Black women sustain their survival in a White supremacist, capitalist, and misogynistic society. Chicana Brown Berets took a much different route.

“Marking the formal segregation of women and men in what seemed to be a negotiated process, the designation of separate meetings –and separate space –underscored the conditions for women to play a decisive role in the success of the Free Clinic, a major Brown Beret accomplishment, and to come to a deeper sense of mutual recognition and solidarity,” Revolutionary Sisters: Women’s Solidarity and Collective Identification among Chicana Brown Berets in East Los Angeles, 1967-1970, p. 34.

            Still, an analysis of the demise of groups like the Black Panther Party and Brown Berets would be incomplete without acknowledgement of what scholar Jennifer G. Correa calls state sanctioned violence. In The Targeting of the East LA Brown Berets by a Racial Patriarchal Capitalist State: Merging Intersectionality and Social Movement Research, Correa asserts that the state employs all resources on hand in order to derail social movements.

My views of the racial patriarchal state and its deployment of state sanctioned racism are parallel to Goldberg’s ideas of physical force, violence, coercion, manipulation, deceit, cajoling, incentives, laws, taxes, penalties, surveillance, military force, repressive apparatuses, ideological mechanism and media – in short, all the means at a state’s disposal. I would add direct and indirect killing of movement members, judicial racism via sentencing, collective/subjective (internal) discipline, and colonization of the mind leading to internalized racism, patriarchy/sexism, and capitalistic control, p.85

Of all that Correa lists --and then adds-- the matters of internalized racism, patriarchy, and sexism appear to take center stage in social movement scholarship. In fact, Correa condemns published scholars for their failure to apply the same zeal in their research of the external factors that lead to the demise of these social movements, as they did when documenting the groups’ internal bleeding (p. 85, 86). Correa’s perspective works to contextualize the demands and battle cries of female Black Panthers and Chicana Brown Berets, as they became fed up with and exhausted by their exclusion from their own movements. Their male counterparts’ machismo was not simply born of a male-inherited arrogance or compulsion to oppress, but actually—in part, at least—resulted from the veiled influence of a racial, patriarchal, capitalist state hell-bent on the destruction of these social movements, and equally focused on ensuring that it was an apparently implosive crumbling—working its way from the inside out. Correa’s critique of the state illuminates the surveilling, operative, and government-level realities that destroyed these movements – and many of them came from the outside. She writes that assassinations of those at the head of social movements has been a strategy employed by the state as a means of disabling social movements, while, in my opinion, avoiding the inconvenience and messiness of multiple assassinations of lower level activists. The FBI’s murder of Fred Hampton, BPP leader of the Chicago chapter, serves as a heart-wrenching example (p. 86). Further, the details of this murder (Hampton was murdered in his own home, while he lay in bed) illuminate the other evils, unethicals and even potentially illegals of the FBI’s strategy of “de-escalation;” it is clear that party leaders like Hampton were being surveilled and attacked at their most vulnerable. Further, Correa counters popular arguments made by social movement scholars that it is the radical and extreme social movements that draw the attention of a police force and government anxious to disassemble them: even White Liberal America’s beloved Dr. King was surveilled and harassed. “[Scholar Doug] McAdam overlooked the many racial barriers intentionally set up by the state to block Dr. King and his movement from reaching its goals. For example, … both the home of Dr. King and the headquarters of SCLC were wiretapped,” p.87.

Still, the social movements of the 60s and 70s were flawed, and, in some cases, cripplingly so. Although not always a positive example, The Black Power movement’s influence on Brown Paper movements of Chicanx and Puerto Rican people cannot be overstated. In the case of Puerto Rican activist groups like The Young Lords Party, both the good and the bad, the constructive along with toxic, made an impact. While the Young Lords were of the more dynamic organizations among both Black and Brown movements as their acknowledgement of gender inequality complemented launched attacks on racism and colonialism –not to mention their successful revolutionizing of machismo for the good of the people—they weren’t always so inclusive. In fact, it wasn’t until experiencing the overt dehumanization of Black women by Black poet Ami Baraka, a cultural nationalist, that Denise Oliver and other women members of the Young Lords Party felt incited to demand real change in their own organization.

“Oliver described her shock and rage at the scene that unfolded when the Lords arrived at Baraka’s headquarters: ‘Women crawled into the room on their hands and knees wearing elaborate headdresses decorated with fruit. …She immediately fired questions at Baraka about women’s role in his organization, but he would not answer her. …Oliver became so furious she marched out of the room…Oliver returned to New York City and immeadiately held a women’s caucus meeting … “if we don’t do something we would end up on our hands and knees with fruit on our heads.” The women’s caucus decided that it was time to force men in the Lords to take feminism seriously,” Nelson, Jennifer, Abortions Under Community Control: Feminism, Nationalism, and the Politics of Reproduction among New York City’s Young Lords.

As hideous as this scene in Baraka’s was, it spurred one of the most dynamic changes to the Young Lords’ organization. Beyond this point, women of the YLP withheld sex from male members, placing them in a position of considerable discomfort, as members of the YLP were forbidden from engaging in extra-organizational affairs. Still, the denial of sex is far from innovative, as women across space and time have reduced disagreements in philosophy, religion, general morality, and parenting, to genitalia. What should be noted about this demonstration, though, is that when male Lords broke the YLP law, and engaged in sex with outside women, female Lords actually possessed the agency within the organization to enforce the punishment for this transgression, an incredible change from the demeaning “secretarial work” Chicana Brown Berets were publicly credited for. “[Oliver] demoted the entire central committee to cadre status. They could eventually be reinstated, but not until they took time to think over their transgressions,” Abortions Under Community Control, p. 163.” While many Chicana Feminists spoke about machismo as inherently toxic, corruptive, and unproductive, and asserted that it had no place in activism or cultural nationalism on these bases, the YLP revolutionized the term in a way that worked within gender inclusive politics –feminism, even. Female Lords called for the redefinition of hyper-masculinity as a characteristic which encouraged men to treat women as equals, and join them in the trenches of battle waged against patriarchy, misogyny, and inequality—within, as well as outside of the organization. Perhaps, the machismo reclaiming of Aztlan is not the only way to reconcile manhood with activism. Still, the redefining of machismo by YLP was just that—the organization gave it an entirely different meaning. It seems that their success in incorporating machismo into their activism was not a counter to Chicana feminist claims that it is inherently destructive and exclusive. Instead, the extreme transformation the philosophy had to undergo as to make it compatible with activism, seems to speak to Chicana feminists’ point: the presence of machismo as we knew it, could not exist in activist spaces, but actually disabled their potential to provoke progress and change.

In Puerto Rico en mi Corazon: The Young Lords, Black Power and Puerto Rican nationalism in the U.S., 1966-1972 Jeffrey O.G. Ogbar writes that the Black Power Movement also laid the groundwork for Brown Power outside of the gendered context, and in more positive ways than Baraka’s impact.

“As the Black Power movement took root, the charisma of Black Nationalism resonated among other people of color as no radicalism had heretofore. Some Puerto Ricans, particularly those who were darker-skinned, identified as Black, since most Americans viewed them as such. As Pablo “Yoruba” Guzman once explained, ‘Before people called me a spic, they called me a nigger.’ Small numbers of Puerto Ricans joined the largely insular Nation of Islam(NOI),” p. 151.

The pains of otherness, displacement, and identity crises felt by Puerto Ricans living in New York aligned with the rhetoric and energy of the Black Power movement—and specifically, its focus on the arts—not just because of how Puerto Rican-Americans felt in the present, but because of the similarity of the histories that prompted such feelings in both Black and Brown Americans. In Gendered Geographies of Home: Mapping Second and Third-Generation Puerto Ricans’ Sense of Home, authors Maura Toro-Morn and Marixsa Alicea unpack the New York City-dwelling Puerto Rican’s homesickness in a way that illuminates the striking resemblance between Brown Power and the rise of the Black Arts Movement. “…the second and third generation seek solace from the multiple forms of oppression they confront as colonized people in the United States by invoking romanticized images of the homeland,” (p. 195). The Black Arts Movement (1965-1975) saw the explosion of Black-centered creativity, and that meant Afrocentrism. With Black visual and sculpture arts, literary arts, music, and performance arts all focused on the rejection of Whiteness and White standards, and the explicit embrace of Blackness and Mother Africa, the Black Arts Movement was born of a colonized peoples’ feelings of otherness in a foreign land, and a longing for the space in which they felt they belonged. For the second and third generation Puerto Rican living in New York, identical feelings prompted a deep love, interest, and romanticizing of life in Puerto Rico, oftentimes without regard for the issues a colonized people (sexism/patriarchy, colorism, homophobia) cannot escape simply by returning home, as it, too, has been colonized. Likewise, the Black Arts Movement overestimated their connection to a continent upon which Black Americans held no clue from which country they originated, tongue they spoke, or culture they indigenously belonged. Both Black and Brown, colonized people are reduced to constructing fantasy in which home still exists—a utopia of safety, acceptance, and belonging.

Still, the Puerto Rican activists had their own battle to wage against dominant society. While NOI and other Black Power organizations believed in the unifying of all people of color against a common enemy, they largely failed to address the Puerto Rican struggle explicitly or an individual basis; many Puerto Rican activists longed for their own spaces. Cha Cha Jimenez, who would go on to be a major activist force, was introduced to the philosophies of Black Nationalism in a space which hundreds of thousands of Black and Brown people take up residence, but will never call home—prison. From his early learnings of Black organizations’ recruitment, and education of gang members on how to transfer their leadership skills, man-power, and even rage, to fight for their communities on a broadened and productive scale, Jimenez was able to implement strategy for the Puerto Rican struggle against the dominant society. “Unlike any major Black Power organization in the country, the leading Puerto Rican radical organization of the era would have its roots in gang culture,” Puerto Rico en mi Corazon, p.153.

            In summation, color lines blur upon analysis of the Black and Brown Power movements of the 1960s and early 70s. Issues of the machismo that would later give rise to a strengthened feminism presence, as well as the ways in which these groups actually organized, were shared among both movements. Beyond these similarities, however, was the Black Power movement’s distinct influence on organizations like the Young Lords Party and the larger Brown Power movement. It was not until Denise Oliver saw a mirror held up to her own organization by the explicit dehumanization of Ami Baraka’s, that the women’s caucus in which feminism would truly find its place in the YLP, was held. Likewise, the demands of Chicana Feminists that machismo as it stood could not be revolutionary, and instead worked to marginalize and substantiate women’s abuse, were also vocalized by woman Black Panthers like Kathleen Cleaver. She asserted that Black women exist within a horrifying reality of circular oppression in which they doubly feel the wrath of white supremacy as their husbands, boyfriends, fathers, and brothers transfer the abuse of the white man onto them. Naturally, Chicana feminists further seconded this notion and demanded that the trope of a good Latina woman as one that could withstand the trauma of both white supremacy and machismo, only worked to normalize and justify their abuse. Heart-wrenchingly, the similarities between Black and Brown Power extend to their collapses, as well. The hand of a white supremacist, capitalist, patriarchal state in the orchestrated demise of these social movements, is apparent in both Black and Brown Power groups' fall.

Pretty Hands (poem)


Jhon told me that I had pretty hands. Not in these words, because he doesn’t compliment girls from America with whom he has fallen in love at the inappropriate depth that is having only spent a couple weeks together, but that is also his appreciating my face in the context of how our facial features will be merged and divided on the plane that is our child’s, in this language. He also didn’t use these words because with his dangling hand, bent loosely at the wrist and bounding and falling with the effeminate dance of a man that either enjoys sex with other men, or simply has no use for the gender roles that often encourage sex with the opposite, he would never compliment a woman so plainly and he only spoke to me in color. I hadn’t decided if all South American men’s wrists moved with the same flamboyance that his “tu eres mi princesa” words carried, or if this was simply Jhon Fredy. Maybe this was the behavior of Colombian men with skin that is somehow miles deep with the browns of coffee beans but also impossibly red with the rush of indigenous blood. Either way, the coexistence of these colors in Jhon’s skin was visible –they lived together, and well –and I decided that we were the original people.

June (excerpt)


Context: June is 2 years old and his mom is named Ariel. I refer to her throughout the piece as the Ghetto Mermaid. I play on thematic metaphors of the sea, sea creatures, and water throughout the piece.
June and I spent two days together. Most of which was me running behind him as I watched his pupils go from brown to golden yellow, alive with the glow of mischief that was his insatiable urge to climb up and then jump off of things. Born to a mermaid, June was just as at home underwater, and I became his Octopus Guardian. Some tentacles caught the things that threatened to shatter as he knocked them off of tables, yanked them from shelves, others reached out to add a step in the gaps that existed between the floor and the heights of the counter top, bed, and bathroom sink that he tried to reach. June longed for home, and this part of the Earth would never be enough for him. He would place his foot on the lowest rung of one of my bar stools, grab the spinal leg of the chair, and summon all of the might that he had gathered in his two years here, to bridge the gap between the chair’s bottom and its seat. Sometimes he got close, most times I would extend a tentacle. My limb became a padded spring. It sent June to the height that was his holy grail: the counter top. Once he made it, he would lean forward and turn on the faucet. But after a while, the mere running of water wasn’t enough, and June began a scoot-crawl-fall routine into the sink. He did so with so much zeal, and so much success, that before assisting his ascend to the counter top, I would walk around the kitchen island and do the dishes. If he was going to end up in the sink, it might as well be clean, and so I would sit him next to me on the counter while I washed. But June was taken to another place with the sight and sound of running water. The sun coming in through the windows bounced around until it reached my June, and once they met, we were enveloped in a room of teal and indigo, as the sun reflected the colors in June’s yellow that had been hidden from my sight, but caught the attention of the sun with the running of the tap water. The thinnest beam of light, inconsequential if not for its brightness, erases the dishes from my vision, and replaces them with a glitter of rhombuses that I blink and blink and blink away, but are stuck on. Blinking and blinking and shaking my head, I’m not afraid, but frantic to see what thing of glitter and translucence this beam of light, thin and blinding, is reflecting off of. I turn off the faucet, and the apartment darkens, cools. The sun has shifted in the sky, called away from us and drawn to some other being.

“June, what the hell was that?” he breathes a smile and reaches for his big toe, turning his foot and showing me its bottom. He must have felt his return to this home, and away from his mother’s, with the end of the sink’s running water. I knew he did, because of his timing. As I looked at his foot, a single rhombus, glitter teal and indigo, was disappearing. I could see now that a moment before, his foot had been covered in scales and that was the light source that the sun had bounced off of and blinded me with. The sun had come for June. I finished the dishes and put him in the sink.

Flesh (excerpt)


I pulled my arm back and felt the wind give. Frustrated, it became the deep exhale of a woman disrespected for being a woman for the last time. The wind tries at patience, but with each hurricane breath the plants that make this building on First and Gregory a home, become exposed at the root. I feel the joints and bones in my shoulder twitch as their tissues dissolve and seep from my pores. Liberated, my arm reaches around my body with the greed of a colonizing vine, until I can hear with my left ear, the steady pulse of blood in my right elbow. With the release of murderous tension allowed to bubble and reproduce with each “hoe,” “thot,” and “bitch,” I free the stretched elastic that my arm has become and stare into the cavity that its contact with Marcus’s face leaves at the parts that used to be his eye socket, cheek, and its bone. The right side of his face is still intact, but ruined by the hollowed look of a body abandoned by its inhabitant, and returned to organic matter. His left eyebrow is still in place too, and I feel sad at that. The one-million-hairs lush of his eye’s accessories were what had made him look so regal. My heart sinks a little, weighted by the guilt of wasting such a beautiful thing. I decide that this is something that I cannot wholly justify and use my own exhale to summon the wind’s again. Calmed by my removal of the pollutant, the wind’s release of breath kicks up loose gravel and dead leaves, but leaves plants rooted and only gently raises the hairs on my arm, where it chaffed me before. I decide that the beauty that God reserved for Marcus’s curly eyelashes, full lips and eyebrows, perfect chinstrap, and eyes deep brown enough to swim in, won’t be wasted. I fold him up, put him in the trunk of his truck that is the true scene of his murder, and drive one hour and forty-five minutes to the place where the wind and I had our first conversation. Marcus will be fertilizer for my mother’s flowers.















Goodbye, Barack (op/ed)


I, like a lot of people, have tried to outrun our shared reality, and its sentient complement of impending doom. Prior to the GOP nomination I enjoyed memes of Donald Trump, complete with his affinity for made up words, child-like faces made during political debates and in interviews, and laundry lists of the general then-laughable foolishness of the man I was familiarized with on NBC’ s Celebrity Apprentice. These memes were hilarious, but they were also more than that. They made us all feel safe.

Of course Donald Trump wouldn’t, couldn’t win this election.

And anyone who believed that this was anything more than a poorly-timed publicity stunt—and I’m still not convinced it wasn’t a social experiment gone horribly, atrociously, xenophobically wrong—was simply diluted. After all this was 2016 America. Not 1965 America. Not 1865 America. And we certainly we’re not 1935 Germany. We were living in the age of political correctness, of veiled racism, of an anti-black evil that has undergone the radical transformation from Mississippi tree limbs weighted by the decaying burden of Black bodies, to a body of White Americans that either knew better, or knew to hide the fact that they still knew evil. We just weren’t those people anymore.

And then he got the nomination.

Still, we assured ourselves. Surely, Trump wasn’t a real thing. Yes, he was getting closer. And yes, it was becoming a little uncomfortably close, but with each debate, my rising sense of panic was calmed. Even for all of America’s misogyny, and Hilary Clinton’s admitted sketchiness, there was simply no fucking way that we would elect a reality star and proud sexist/racist/xenophobe/homophobe over a career politician. It just wouldn’t happen.

………and…....then……..he…..won…….?

Still, my denial persisted. I just couldn’t accept it. I still found myself smirking at news updates, and laughing at the idiocy that was the White women that, as tweeter Feminista Jones so eloquently put it, “were willing to sacrifice themselves,” just to secure the status quo that for the past eight years, had been challenged by a Black man and woman from the South side of Chicago. But it wasn’t funny. And Obama’s farewell address finally made that real for me, for all of us.

Watching a Black man that is still fine after eight years and with some added salt where he was once opaquely peppered, a Black man who is, indeed, Black and proud after years of being reduced to playing politics, a Black man who has remained dignified in the face of blatantly anti-black disrespect from nation and political subordinate, a Black man that is still so Chicago after eight years in Washington, a Black man that, on the night of January 10th remained supernaturally graceful, diplomatic, and secure in the face of a successor whose mere entry into office is an affront to his two terms, watching this man bid us farewell was as beautiful as it was heartbreaking. And when he tearfully thanked his wife, best friend, “girl from the South side of Chicago” Michelle, I cried, too.

                               ********************************************

This winter break home from university, I’ve developed an NPR habit. And every morning, the airways are saturated with news about our President-elect—I should note that my fingers hovered over my keyboard’s P here, but while admirable, I find the #NotMyPresident movement a little juvenile. As painful as it is, Trump is our president. Asserting that he isn’t, while we are all bound to live and suffer in his America (with the exclusion of those who truly meant it when they said they would leave given his election) seems like an underdeveloped attempt at pushback. Still, I am out of solutions and generally shy away from being too critical of those engaged in activism at any level. Listening to NPR’s stories of Trump’s apparent and denied ties with Russia, of the Mexican workers and families who were devastated by the discontinuation of construction on the Ford plant that promised thousands of jobs, of the Muslim students on my  University campus who now fearfully board campus transportation after a Trump supporter threatened a Muslim student with a knife, may only be the beginning in a long line of the live collateral damage Trump and his cabinet seem determined to leave in the wake of what I hope will be their only term.

But while the collateral damage of one of America’s most epic mistakes is yet to be seen, those on the opposite end of this shitshow have been outted. We love to believe that we live in a world in which the dividing line between good and evil is thick and impenetrable enough to eliminate the possibility of a racist grey area. For the last eight years, many of us have been comforted by the mythical reality that the nice White people with whom we gossip at the gym, share intimate work space and carpool, those that outwardly abhor slavery and use of the N-word, are not racist. That push come to shove, they’ve got our back. We have placated ourselves with the foolish belief that our White acquaintances, and even friends, are diametrically opposed to those who defend the confederate flag as “a symbol of Southern pride,” to those who assembled plastic Obama figurines, lynched, and set them ablaze in 2008, to those who cry “but Black on Black violence!” in conversations about state sanctioned murder. But this God-forsaken election proves that these two groups are not necessarily polarized, distant, or even in conflict with one another. As a matter of fact, given our President-elect, one is forced to wonder whether they are even two separate groups at all. Of course, if a nappy-headed Black girl asserts that White people are racist until proven humane, she’s a “reverse racist.” And yet, America has elected a transparent White supremacist to the highest office in the nation…………………………………. we are living in a bizarre time.

The optimist in me combats my cynic’s decision that Trump’s election all but erases Obama, and the alleged progress in our eight years with him. But it is a losing battle. It seems pretty common sensical that Obama’s eight steps forward couldn’t have made any substantial impact, given that they were so easily succeeded by Trump’s sixteen steps back. So, with a heavy heart, we say goodbye to Barack Obama, and offer vacant, defeated apologies for our White co-workers, neighbors, and unfollowed Facebook friends. Once again, you all have completely fucking let us down.

Goodbye, Barack.


Monday, August 24, 2015

Here's a kick ass essay I wrote in response to Harriet Jacobs's slave narrative




Subverting Submission: Sexual Agency as a Means to Survival

In her Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl, Harriet Jacobs subverts the cult of womanhood’s ideals on female sexuality by displaying agency over her own sexuality. In her slave narrative, Jacobs gains a sense of self-affirmation through selecting her own sexual partner, uses her sexual agency as a launch pad from which she seeks broader agency in her life, and weaponizes her sexuality as a “triumph over her tyrant,” Dr. Flint (234).  Jacobs further subverts traditional views on female sexuality as she challenges the founding ideals of her audience’s sexual politics. In asserting that she, a slave woman, has not enjoyed the same luxuries as her readers, she declares sexual innocence a privilege reserved for the free, and demands that she not be governed by the same standards (233, 234). While the cult of womanhood views female sexuality as a mere reaction to husbands’ desires, Jacobs subverts the ideal that women must be reduced to a submissive role. In taking control of who she sleeps with, and what she will gain from the relationship, Jacobs’s sexual agency offers a much different take on the traditional tale of female sexuality.

As a slave woman, Jacobs has little to no agency in life. What she eats, if she eats, where she sleeps, and other things that determine a person’s quality of life, are out of her hands. Her sexuality is no different.  To her horror, Jacobs finds that she does not possess the autonomy to disobey her master, Dr. Flint, even when he starts making sexual advances towards her. “I turned from him with disgust and hatred. But he was my master” (Jacobs 231). In response to this, Jacobs subverts the cult of womanhood’s call for virtuous sexuality, and places herself in the driver’s seat. Rather than shamefully being defiled by one of the “fiends who bears the shape of men” (231), Jacobs declares herself an acting agent in her sexuality.  In engaging in consensual sex with her lover, Mr. Sands, Jacobs is able to achieve a sense of self and spiritual liberation through sexual agency. “It seems less degrading to give one’s self, than to submit to compulsion. There is something akin to freedom in having a lover who has no control over you” (234). It is revolutionary for Jacobs to assert a sense of self found through her sexuality – “freedom” -- in a time when women’s only expected desire is to satiate their husbands. With Mr. Sands, Jacobs is her own focus; she will be as affirmed by this encounter as much as he is.

As Jacobs’s intentions with Mr. Sands become further apparent, however, the reader learns her sexuality is a weapon against her master as much as it is an affirmation of herself.  “I knew nothing would enrage Dr. Flint so much as to know that I favored another; and it was something to triumph over my tyrant even in that small way” (234). Here Jacobs places her sexuality into a much different context. Her relationship with Mr. Sands is not merely about self-affirmation, but a rebellion against the man she is forbidden from disobeying. While the cult of womanhood calls for Jacobs to feel a sense of shame – and she does display that in the text – Jacobs decides that her sexuality is hers to use: if she cannot say “no” to Dr. Flint, she will protect herself by saying “yes” to another. The pro-active approach Jacobs takes with her sexuality declares that she is an acting agent; her position is not merely reactionary, as the cult of womanhood demands. Further still, Jacobs reveals her sexuality as a tool in a much larger plan. Truly calculated in her intentions, she aims to use her sexual agency to gain control over her future. “I thought [Dr. Flint] would revenge himself by selling me, and I was sure my friend, Mr. Sands would buy me. He was a man of more generosity than my master, and I thought my freedom could be obtained from him….of a man who was not my master I could ask to have my children well supported, I felt confident I should obtain this boon” (234).  Beyond an assertion of self, beyond a triumph over tyranny, Jacobs’s sexuality was her meal ticket. In realizing she could use her sexuality to escape Dr. Flint, and conversely, hook Mr. Sands, Jacobs uses sexual agency as a launch pad for gaining more control over her life’s path. Seeking freedom for herself and her children, Jacobs has truly subverted the ideals of female sexuality as responsive and submissive – she is in the driver’s seat now.

While Jacobs does much to subvert the accepted views on female sexuality, it may seem counterproductive that she openly displays feelings of shame and guilt over her sexuality (235). Nevertheless, Jacobs remains keenly aware of her audience: to present all of her subversion without remorse could potentially push readers too far. That is not to say, however, that Jacobs does not maintain subversive through her displays of remorse. In her appeals to readers, Jacobs is directly challenging the hypocrisy that founds these traditional ideals. “Pity me, and pardon me, O virtuous reader! You never knew what it is to be a slave, to be entirely unprotected by law or custom; to have the laws reduce you to the condition of chattel…the slave woman ought not to be judged by the same standards as others” (234). She has already done much to subvert notions on submissive female sexuality, but with this address to readers she asserts that even if these notions were correct, they could not apply to her sexuality. Here Jacobs forces readers to realize the hypocrisy in their ideals. If some women are protected as treasures, while others are sold as chattel, how can all women be expected to adhere to the same values? Jacobs informs her audience that the “purity” that they hold so dear has been “sheltered from childhood” as their “homes are protected by law,” while she “was struggling alone in the powerful grasp of the demon Slavery…” (232). Jacobs incites her readers to take a more critical look at the allowances made for their purity and innocence. With this, she is able to show remorse for her sexuality, while continuing to subvert traditional ideals.

In her slave narrative, Jacobs demonstrates agency over her own sexuality, uses this agency to declare a sense of self, pro-actively defend herself from Dr. Flint, and attempt to gain greater control of her life. In acting as an agent in her own sex life, Jacobs challenges the traditional ideals concerning female sexuality. Within the cult of womanhood, women are expected to be nearly a-sexual. That is, any sexual desires acted on outside of a marriage are condemnable, while within a marriage, all sexual behavior is expected to be in reaction to the husbands’ needs. With this, the sense of liberation Jacobs’s sexuality grants her subverts the popular perception. Moreover, her use of her sexuality as a manipulative tool, to gain things from men, rather than a mere response to their needs, was radical. Further, Jacobs highlights the hypocrisy in shaming slave women for the things they do to survive, while exposing them to the savagery of slavery. In doing so, Jacobs does more to challenge accepted notions of female sexuality, and again casts her sexuality as a weapon.