With my bottom perched on my
front porch ledge, legs dangling, and face warm from an overheating cell phone,
I spent a very cliché, High-School-Musical-esque amount of time gossiping with
friends about what we thought “the boysss”
would be like the summer before we started college.
Do
you think they’ll have facial hair – like all of them?
I
wonder if college White boys are more open to dating Black girls…
Do
you think sex with a college freshman will be any better than with a high
school senior?
I doubt it…
Initially, this curiosity, mirrored
by my friends’ shared sense of adventure, sparked the kind of colorful,
unproductive dialogue that characterizes summertime, porch ledge Girl Talk.
And then there was a shift in the
conversation.
“I’m not gonna sleep around. I don’t want to be seen
as 'that slutty freshman.' "
This change of focus agitated me.
Beyond this, though, I was perplexed. We were all single, young, attractive little women. Why had the center of our sex talk gone from “I” to “He?”
We had no boyfriends. Certainly no husbands -- what compelled us to compromise? The entire concept of casual sex seemed to be founded on fun-loving and rule-bending. I wanted them to stick with the program.
Outnumbered, I decided, at the
very least, I could support my girlfriends’ employing the Power of the Pussy strategy
to further their own agendas: gaining respect was the end game.
And then, last week, one of these
friends – we’ll call her Jezebel – told me the story of her sexual
dissatisfaction. It finally clicked for me. In the juxtaposition of female sexual freedom and male desires, the latter should never be
weighted more heavily. In putting our desires on the backburner, young women
are allowing men to re-cast us in our own sex lives - placing us where they
find us most desirable in their own fantasies.
I’ll let her tell it.
“I’ve spent this whole first semester trying to be The
Good Girl. But for what? I’m not The Good Girl. At least before I did
what I wanted, and I had fun. Now, I pretend to be The Good Girl so guys
will like me. And I still haven’t gotten the attention of the guy I like. And
I’m not having sex. Trying to be The Good Girl has completely backfired.
Because I’m not the Good Girl.”
If in reaction to this quote you
felt the sudden compulsion to text an old flame, twerk in the spirit of
liberation, or exclaim “OH SHIT,” you ain’t The Good Girl either, honey.
Those of you who follow me on
twitter (@knowmorenoless_) – no, I am not above a transparent Tyler- Perry-style
self-promo -- have read my rants on what I think is at the root of The
Good Girl obsession:
The
Virgin/Whore false dichotomy.*
*False
dichotomy is a fallacy that invalidates arguments by presenting two –usually
extreme – end points as the only options in a given scenario.*
This is the socially constructed
– and thus, inherently in need of analysis and challenge – concept that women’s
sexual identities are limited to either Virgins (essentially Good Girls)
or Whores.
Like most young women, Jezebel resents
the Whore label, and all its connotations; she desires respect. She also knows
that there is a male desire for a respectable Good Girl -- and a challenge.
With this, Jezebel strategized:
in abstaining from sex, she could position herself at the center of male desire
and respect. Nevertheless, as is the case with most dishonest political
strategies, Jezebel’s constructed Good Girl image backfired. In tapering her persona
to the desires of men, she found herself playing a supporting role in her own
sexuality, while the men she sought respect from starred.
She got The Good Girl’s respect.
She lost The Whore’s sex life.
Problematically, Jezebel was not The Good Girl, she wanted to “put out.” She, like so many
of us, was shrinking her own sexual identity to fit into the confines of the
male fantasy.
With all flawed Either/Or
arguments, there is a consequence for making the wrong choice. In the case of
the Virgin/Whore scenario, “I’ll take ‘Whore’ for 200, Alex” is the quickest
way to receive a (one-way) ticket to Sluttyville – the land of unsolicited, public
ass slaps, name-calling, leaked nude pictures, and rarely returned phone
calls.
Of course Jezebel didn’t want to
be "that slutty freshman." But she also hated being the sexless Good Girl,
waiting on a well-behaving man to liberate her.
For the readers who will, again,
accuse me of over-analyzing: the Virgin/Whore construct is highly visible in mainstream
media:
This meme perfectly illustrates the dichotomy as perpetuated by pop culture – the words are literally Kanye West lyrics. What’s
better, I found the meme on Instagram, the social media site.
Like that rapey gym teacher in Mean Girls, pop culture is always there,
lying to young women about how limited our options are.
In the Jezebel cases, the fear of
being labeled a hoe is – even if temporarily -- stronger than the sense of
entitlement we feel to our sexuality.
Admittedly, the argument could be
made that Jezebel was actually taking power back, and not relinquishing it: in
abstaining from sex, she used the Power of the Pussy as a bargaining tool –
only planning to “give it up” to the men who respected her. But do you see how
the emphasis here is still on the man?
"He needs to earn it."
versus...
"I
really want to have sex with him."
The former phrase presents female
sexual consent as a reward for good male behavior, whereas the latter poses
it as the result of female desire.
In the casual sex ring, The Good
Girl is supposed to present herself as the trophy, which may seem flattering
– empowering, even – but note where the power lies here:
If our sexual consent is like a
trophy, wouldn’t that prohibit us from enjoying desire? Trophies don’t choose
when they want to be won based on personal desire; they reward whoever
performs best. Doesn’t this reduce our sexual roles to being reactionary?
Think about it: the trophy is indifferent – it doesn’t desire to be claimed any
more than it wishes to be left to collect dust; its consent is completely dependent
on the behavior of the athletes. So, if women are the trophies, and men are the
athletes, doesn’t this mean that we have sex out of congratulatory
obligation, and not intrinsic desire?
The Good Girl’s sexuality only
operates within the realm of male behavior. There is no space for her to
make self-centered sexual decisions because her consent is inseparable from his
behavior – whether good or bad. Although it may seem she holds the Power of the
Pussy, in truth, HE does.
The Jezebels -- those of us who
just don’t think like The Good Girls. The girls uninterested in eluding sex the
way trophies tease champions – are casual sex politicians: working to erase the
Virgin/Whore boundary, maintain in power, and resist internalizing hateful, ill-informed public opinion.
